Journey vs. Destination

An older engineer said to me that she’d recently come out as a woman. She’s avoided all women-in-tech things, all women-only evens, even diversity boards at major companies in an effort to avoid rocking the boat. I get that though I’ve always been pretty upfront with my femininity.

That is why I will not meet you in a hotel bar to discuss your start up. That is always true but even more so if you’ve already been the sort of person who refuses to take hints, who doesn’t seem to notice when I consistently don’t respond to emails and messages. It may not be that I’m busy; it may be that you are creeping me out with too much contact from too many channels.

I understand that you may not get this. It is definitely a girl thing. On the other hand, I do know many guys who get it. There was that business trip where my electrical engineer put a chair in the hotel room door before it could close, even before I could. There was that other business trip when the guy invited me to watch TV with him in his room and then immediately explained three others would be there.

I’m a grown up, even sometimes a professional. I’m happy to meet you at a Starbucks. I’m ok having lunch if I’m not busy (and I want to). I’m a bit leery about meeting you in a hotel lobby but can see the necessities given conferences and business trips. But I won’t meet you in a bar. I won’t have a candlelight dinner with you. And I won’t be alone with you in your hotel room with the door closed.

How would that look to my husband? How would it look to your wife? These sorts of appearances matter. I won’t give my husband reason to doubt me, I wouldn’t hurt my husband for anything, especially to listen to you pitch your start up.

Ok, forget appearances. I won’t meet you in a non-public, not-well-let place because it isn’t safe for me. I won’t get in a he-said/she-said argument because there will always be witnesses. This is for both of our sakes: do you know how much such an argument can hurt your reputation?

And now, I’d like to apologize to the podcast listener that I met for coffee but refused to go back to his car to get the gift he sweetly brought me. I was ok in the busy cafe but I didn’t know him well enough to leave with him. I think he understood but was a little hurt.

So, no, I don’t want to get in your car either. Not until I know you a lot better than this.