Journey vs. Destination

I miss home. I miss being home. I miss the warm weather and the comfy bed and the soft ears of my beagle. I miss a couch where I can drop food and only feel like I need to clean it up. I miss knowing what is valuable and what isn’t so I know how to feel when I break it.

I miss walking up to my house and looking at the flowers in the garden and smiling. I miss thinking the lemon tree needs to be watered (the lemon tree never actually gets watered, only mentally). I miss the lounge chairs in the backyard under the umbrellas. I miss kicking the dogs off the lounges, sitting down and having them join me again. I miss watching the bees buzz while I slack, watching clouds form shapes as they travel across the sky.

I miss walking around the block, waving to the neighbors. I miss walking the dogs, knowing where they are going to stop and sniff. I miss Bear trying to sit my lap, even if I’m standing up. I miss Zoe looking at me like I’m an idiot and the gleam in her eye when there is a treat at stake. I miss Dylan’s kitty kneading on my leg when my hip aches and his ridiculous yips of excitement when he gets fed. I miss Anakin’s fascination with Star Trek and her soft, furry tail.

I miss watching television with no commercials and watching shows I actually like. I miss reading books on the couch and walking through the house with my nose in a book until C makes fun of me for not looking up.

I miss knowing what to do with myself if I wake up cranky or sad. I miss being able to go to the kitchen and getting a glass of water or a cup of tea after I have a nightmare. I miss being able to wake up, let the dogs out and in, get a cup of coffee and start my work day. I miss solving problems and planning projects. I miss making mistakes that I know how to fix when the compiler tells me I’m wrong.

I miss my giant bath towel, the pink one with polka dots, the one that makes me happy just to look at. I miss having a hair dryer to use when I’m cold.

I miss knowing when we are going to the grocery store and what we are going to get there. I miss not having to plan my next meal because there will be food in the pantry. I miss having enough protein.

I miss having lunches with friends. I miss trying to figure out where I fit in their worlds and whether they’d like to hang out, maybe play some board games. I miss being able to say that I don’t want to go out today.